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For nine plus months I couldn’t hold my daughter or kiss her. I was helpless when she got sick. I could only fret from afar. I had left chicken noodle soup and tea for her on the front porch. My heart sank with aching agony. The taste of fear coated the back of my throat almost every day.

I like to think I’m almost the “World’s Greatest Mom”, but not being able to love my daughter the way I wanted to took a toll on me. Not once during all of this did I forget the moms who will never get to hold their babies again. That kept me in check. It also broke my heart on a different level.

This last year, I had a new hair style, my only options had been to grow it long or cut it myself. I am so over my long hair. I chose to cut it myself. I looked like a first grader got her hands on some safety scissors and played Beautician. Probably should have toughed it out and grown it long.

I am a self-proclaimed news junkie and I made a glutton of myself from sitting by the radio listening, waiting and anticipating a cure, a hope of better days yet to come.

I had been more than eager to roll up my sleeve and take one for Team Humanity. If three years from now I find out I am indeed programmed to self-destruct, well, it’s a chance I had been willing to take.

The countdown came and my excitement reminded me of being a kid waiting for Christmas. I made great plans for the day when I could come out and join the world. Whatever that means…..now.

My daughter gifted me a gift certificate to get my hair cut. (Love that kid….she sure knows me) I made plans to go shopping for much needed clothing. Like no haircut for over a year, I had not bought any clothes, which isn’t normally a big deal. Anyone who knows me, knows I hate shopping. What does one do when you can’t really go anywhere? Laundry. At least I did. For the first time ever, I had been able to keep up on my normally Mount Vesuvius pile of laundry. In turn all my clothes quickly became thread bare and after patching up as best as I could, the time had come for a shopping spree.

Lunch! I planned on going out to lunch. Co-mingling with other people. What a concept.

All of those things meant nothing to me if I couldn’t do them with my daughter. I picked her up at ten. I jumped out of my car and ran up the sidewalk, opened the door and grabbed her close and held her tight. I held her like I would never let her go. I sniffed her hair, I kissed her and I cried tears of sweet joy. Sweet joy.

There are many things yet to come. My son has had his shots; now our world is looking much brighter. He is able to join me. I had made a promise to myself that until he was safe, I would stay away from the world for his safety but also in solidarity to him.

For the first time in a long time, I feel the weight of the world falling away from me. I see brighter days ahead, like a trip at the end of the month to the most beautiful place on earth, at least I think so. I will not take for granted sitting on the beach at Madeline Island watching my son swim and dive for crawfish. The feel of the sand as my feet walk the beach every morning and night. There will be no more complaints crossing my lips, exclaiming how shockingly cold Lake Superior is.

Farther down the road I have visions of a barn dance with all my dearest friends. Maybe I’ll star up book club once more. A dinner table set for many during the holidays. Again, I will mention the kid in me and that feeling of Christmas. Possibilities.

I’m exhaling much more as of late. My feet are light when I walk. I sing a little bit louder and a lot more off key but I don’t care. It’s a new day. I intend to make the best of it.